So the entire issue turned out to be that IE had all of it's required files deleted. I don't know how or why, it may have been malware, mother isn't exactly the brightest when it comes to avoiding computer infections. Microsoft never got back to me after I filed a support ticket, so I'm chalking that up under incompetence as well. I really wish an internet browser wasn't required to operate basic system operations, so I'm damning Microsoft, again.